The Internal Battle of Deciding Who You Want to Be

There are somedays I wake up and I am on a mission. I can hyper-focus for 12 hours straight - or more - on writing cover letters and applying to jobs. In those moments, I know exactly what I want in life, where I'm going, and how I plan to get there.

The next morning, I wake up and it's gone. I can barely find the energy to get out of bed, let alone focus on productivity and creating the life I want to live.

I saw this TikTok video recently, where they talked about living for your future self rather than your present self. Maybe present you doesn't want to take that job, eat healthy, or go to the gym - but future you with thank you for it later. As inspiring and thought-provoking as it was, I couldn't help but feeling a looming anxiety watching the video.

Who do I want to be in life? What do I want my future self to look like?

When I asked myself that question and let it marinate, I lost all motivation for the day. I immediately became overwhelmed with trying to understand what and who I would be in the future and was unable to function for the rest of the day.

Let me make something clear: there's absolutely no hate for this video and I actually plan on using this thinking in my life. What I think we sometimes forget is the path to be able to achieve that type of thinking is easier said than done, and it's not the same for everyone. In my anxiety-ridden brain, I can't help but overthink and feel like deciding who I will be in the future is an absolute thing that can't be changed.

The reason I start to spiral is because, in my opinion, I love too many things. I went to college for five years and earned two Bachelor's degrees and two minors. I was so passionate about so many things that the thought of limiting myself to one of each made me nauseous. Several people have told me that I wasted my money and likely have more degrees than I need, but I don't regret that choice. If you're passionate about something, you chase it as much as you can.

With that being said, it's hard to ultimately find what step you want to take next when you have so many ideas and skills filling you, brimming, waiting to explode.

In the past month alone, I have ventured down so many potential career paths and satisfy those cravings to foster new ideas and create something special.

I want to start a business. I'm on my third "rebrand" and have yet to sell anything because it feels like it's only 80% ready and I want to be 110% ready for customers.

I want to open a dog shelter but make it into a zoo format, hiring groomers to make the dogs into lovable "zoo animals" with pet friendly dye and creative trimming habits so people can play with the dogs and potentially adopt them.

I want to work in event coordination and sports marketing for high school football, specifically in Texas where I currently reside. I want to help foster the sense of community and inspire the fans and the players through creative marketing tactics and PR strategies.

But I also want to work for a magazine. A fashion magazine. I want to be an editor and work my way up to editor-in-chief. It's a dream I've had since I was little that I'm not sure is something my current self wants, or something I desire to fill a childhood fantasy.

Other days I want to design clothing and create an inclusive boutique on wheels that caters to different body types and disabilities while still staying on trend and being quality but affordable.

The list goes on, but my head is crammed with business ideas and career goals. People always say there is time to achieve different goals in life and you don't have to rush, but you also have to be aware that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. It's a vicious cycle of yearning for something and not knowing if you want it enough for the rest of your life.

This article probably won't have the closure that you're looking for, because if your mind is racing like mine and you're looking for answers or solutions I'm sad to say I'm not in a place in my life where I have any. What I can offer is support. Sometimes, it's not about the answers to your problems, but knowing that you're not alone in whatever battle you're fighting internally.

I just want to say, as a recent college graduate who wants to conquer about 1,000 different dreams in this lifetime and doesn't know where to start or what goal is the "right" one, I see you. I understand you. If you have any stories to share or want to get some of the ideas that are fogging up your head on paper, comment below and get some weight off your shoulders.